It had been five weeks. Five weeks since my wife gave birth to our first child and our second child. Five weeks since my wife and I had a complete night of sleep. And, for two people that spent everyday, for the previous decade, outside of the house, it had been five weeks since either of us had left home (except of course for me to go to work, or grab some groceries). To that point in my life, it was the most difficult thing I had ever been a part of, however, I am profoundly grateful for it, in so many ways. Of course, there are my twin boys. For my wife and children, I would give, or do, anything. However, this article is about the other life changing gift that I received, which came not despite the suffering, but, rather, because of it.
We all have pivot points in life… moments when things changed: our perspective; our reality; our plans for the future. Moments where our expectations of what it will be like to be married, or a parent, or a professional athlete, or whatever… meet their untimely end, at the cold, heartless, hands of reality. In those moments we have some life-defining choices to make. These are the words that were offered to my wife and I, by one of her life-long best friends, in just such a moment. They forever changed the way that I understand my circumstances.
It was in the midst of this fifth week being parents to twins, with me on the cusp of a (minor) mental breakdown, that our friend looked at us and said, “I have a riddle for you…” Great… just what I need! A mental workout in the midst of sleep-deprivation-torture! Thankfully, she didn’t wait for my reply (because it wasn’t coming). She says, “how do you make a happy man sad, and a sad man happy?” Again, I don’t think I gave her so much as a shrug, or a grunt. She continues, “you just tell him: this, too, shall pass.”
The effect was instantaneous – like an atomic bomb went off in front of me. There was this near sense of panic – but I don’t want this to pass! This is it! I’ll never get this time, never get these moments again. And then that idea washed over me. A moment ago, I had thought that I was the sad man… the one for whom the riddle is meant to be happy, if only I could just grasp the notion that I would get through this and then I wouldn’t have such problems anymore – no more little newborn babies that needed me to wake up at all hours of the night (full disclosure, I took vastly fewer night feedings than my wife did – she carried the brunt of the burden). Someday there wouldn’t be baby bottles, and bath time, and all these “burdens.” This was the idea that was supposed to make me happy, because these were the burdens that were contributing to my (sleepy) sorrow. The thing was, I didn’t want it to pass. I wanted part of it to pass, but, that’s not how life works… in that moment, I was immediately confronted with the reality, that, like it or not, the parts that I liked would pass right alongside the parts that I didn’t like – and there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do to change that fact. And that was the moment that I learned that I wasn’t the sad man, after all.
I discovered something else really important in that moment of dawning recognition. There would always be something upon which I could focus that would make me the happy man, and something upon which to focus that would make me the sad man. I’ve spent nearly fourteen years as a husband, and nearly twelve years as a dad. With the end of each stage, I have had a choice: long to return to some previous stage, or find the amazing parts of the present stage. First, it was no more sweet little infant, but, we were reading stories together. Then, no more clinging to me for protection from some perceived danger in a team mascot at a sporting event, but, they were watching the game with me. And I can look forward, and tell you that, someday, my daughter won’t want me to engage in a dreadfully draining game of “pretend,” providing terrible foreign accents for her stuffed animals… but, you know what will be dreadful about that future moment? That she will no longer want me to provide terrible foreign accents for her stuffed animals. So, for the time being, you can find me in her room, sitting on the floor, surrounded by stuffed animals, playing with my daughter. I will be there, making the most out of every moment with those stupid stuffed animals – because this too shall pass. When it does, I will choose to find joy in the next stage. It will not be some forced, manufactured joy, because it is always a choice, and there is always some good and some bad wrapped up in the choice, some “price of entry.” I know what I will endeavor to choose.
Listen, if you’re not sure whether you buy in yet, I want you to try it. I want you to imagine that there is a magic genie, and he comes with only one offer: he can make this “time,” and all that comes with it, pass (or you can refer back to some other time in life, if now happens to be all easy-breezy for you). I want you to think of every good thing that is part of the “time” that will pass, as well as every “bad” thing. The genie can make it all disappear, if you so choose… Do you take his offer? If the answer is “no,” then you know that, as far as you are concerned, this isn’t a time to be the sad man, even if it is a time of heavy burdens.* Since this is a time of heavy burdens, and you’d still choose to endure those burdens, then how great are the “good things” about this time?!? And since those good things are so great that you’d choose to endure the heavy burdens to get to experience the good things, shouldn’t those good things be the place that you focus your thoughts?
One last thing… When my sons were a little over a year old, our best friends – a husband and wife who my wife and I had known since freshmen year of college, told us that they were moving back to the husband’s home state of Michigan, half-way across the country. When they told us, I cried like a baby. I can still remember my friend saying to me, “it’s going to be ok,” and I replied, “I know it is, that’s why I’m crying.” That reply must surely have confused the hell out of him… but, what I meant was, “I know that someday, I’ll be ok with this idea that our best friends are half way across the country, and that our kids won’t grow up hanging out every week. I know that someday I will have accepted that idea and it won’t break my heart the way it does now – and that, is at least as devastating as the pain that I feel presently, when it is not at all ok.” This, in my opinion, is actually one of the positive sides of times of grieving and mourning. Letting the agony out can’t be escaped (at least not in any healthy way). While it may not feel like a “good thing,” it is, in the sense that it is a necessary thing. A friend moving away is one thing; the death of a close loved one is something completely different. It shreds you to the very core of who you are – and it even takes a fews pieces out of the core. I speak from personal experience, when I say, you needn’t worry about a time when it is, “ok” with you that they are gone – it will not ever be ok. It will always be there. With time, it becomes a part of you, like the limp that a soldier brings home with him from a far off conflict. Eventually, our wounds are as healed as they will ever be, but, we are never quite who we once were – forever, in some way, less than entirely whole. Nevertheless, those overwhelming moments in the days, weeks, months, and yes – years, after a loss are valuable, and not worth trading, or wishing, away. They are good in their own very unique way; something which must be gone through, and from which escape would not be a benefit.
Whether you are dealing with the sleepless nights that follow the birth of a child, the election of a leader that you feel is destroying the fabric of your country (I’ve not been a fan of either the last President, or the current one, so don’t think this is meant to be a political statement), or the loss of a loved one – there is good to be found in the moments that you are enduring. If you spend this time focused on the reasons that you wish time would pass, you’ll miss all the reasons why you desperately wish that it would not pass. Don’t bother fixating on the time that you’ve already wasted, because you can’t get it back, and you will only lose the present moments, in the process. And yes, this too shall pass – but the good news is that there will always be something of great joy and value in the moments ahead, as long as you actively look for those things!
*If your honest answer is that this is a time worth wishing away, because there is no value in this time which outweighs the burdens, then please, please, talk to your doctor, or setup an appointment with a counselor. You need someone to help you through this, if you cannot see the way on your own. There are people that love you – the problems of this moment are temporary, sometimes, we just need a little help to be able to see that.
thereluctantcommentator 